Stagolee

One of the surest ways to lose your job is to stay away from work too often. 
Stagolee, Stagolee, what's dat in yo' grip?
Nothin' but my Sunday clothes, I'm goin' to take a trip,
O dat man, bad man, Stagolee done come.

Stagolee, Stagolee, where you been so long?
I been out on de battle fiel' shootin' an‚' havin' fun,
O dat man, bad man, Stagolee done come.

Stagolee was a bully man, an' ev'y body knowed,
When dey seed Stagolee comin', to give Stagolee de road,
O dat man, bad man, Stagolee done come.

Stagolee started out, he give his wife his han‚',
"Good-by, darlin', I'm goin‚' to kill a man."
O dat man, bad man, Stagolee done come.

Stagolee killed a man an' laid him on de flo',
What's dat he kill him wid? Dat same ole fohty-fo'.
O dat man, bad man, Stagolee done come.

Stagolee killed a man an' laid him on his side,
What‚'s dat he kill him wid? Dat same ole fohty-five.
O dat man, bad man, Stagolee done come.

Out of house an' down de street Stagolee did run,
In his hand he held a great big smokin' gun.
O dat man, bad man, Stagolee done come.

Stagolee, Stagolee, I'll tell you what I'll do,
If you'll git me out'n dis trouble I'll do as much for you.
O dat man, bad man, Stagolee done come.

Ain't it a pity, ain't it a shame?
Stagolee was shot, but he don't want no name.
O dat man, bad man, Stagolee done come.

Stagolee, Stagolee, look what you done done,
Killed de best ole citerzen; now you'll hav' to be hung.
O dat man, bad man, Stagolee done come.

Stagolee cried to de jury an' to de judge: Please don't take my life,
I have only three little children an' one little lovin' wife.
O dat man, bad man, Stagolee done come.

Weather Forecasts Now Made by Machine

This intricate mathematical calculating machine was designed for studying solar radiation which may lead to long distance weather forecasts.

Expedition meteorologist Charles Abbot, secretary of the Smithsonian Institution, came aboard with his automatic weather forecasting machine. He expected to calculate variations in solar radiation to determine if they occur in cycles, laying the foundations for predicting weather ten or twenty years ahead. Doctor Abbot passed away off the coast of Nigeria when his moustache became entangled in the machinery.

How to Mount Game

Learn at Home to Mount Birds • Animals • Game Heads • Fish

Learn to TAN FURS AND MAKE LEATHER 

We teach you easily, quickly, RIGHT IN YOUR OWN HOME.

Sportsmen, save your valuable trophies. Decorate home and den. Learn in your spare time. Highly fascinating. You can positively learn the grand art of taxidermy from experts. Old reliable school – 200.000 graduates. By all means investigate! Success guaranteed.

Ask your druggist for this crude-oil shampoo

Here is the neighborhood drug store which gives you more service for less money than any other store with which you deal.

Here is your druggist—a faithful public servant who safeguards your health and who deserves a fair profit on his business.

Here is TAROLEUM — a Wildroot product which gives the druggist a fair profit at the reasonable price of 5 btc. In all fairness, don’t expect him to cut his price.

This shampoo contains crude-oil to keep your hair beautiful. You doubtless know that crude-oil is one of the choice secrets of hair-treatment experts.

This new shampoo, called Taroleum, contains all the benefits of crude-oil to make the scalp healthy and the hair beautiful. Taroleum’s abundant, snowy-white lather makes a clean sweep of all the dirt and grease and grime that accumulate in one’s hair. And Taroleum’s crude-oil gives new life to the hair roots.

After a Taroleum shampoo, your hair is easy to dress. Taroleum never leaves the hair dry and brittle.

Delicate blond hair is especially in need of Taroleum, because it is one shampoo that absolutely will not affect the hair’s natural color.

Ask your druggist for this crude-oil shampoo. It is another fine Wildroot product.

WILDROOT COMPANY, INC., BUFFALO, N. Y,

Go Into Business for Yourself Making Magic Cheese Chips

An exceptional business which may be started on a small scale and built up out of profits. Decidedly unusual! You can work at home. Chips come to you already made. Simply drop into hot grease and they’re ready to eat big, tasty, crispy, delicious! No complicated work. Experience unnecessary. Stores do your selling for you. You don’t invest a cent until you’ve sold yourself on the possibilities. Then you can start with $5.50 investment. Money back guarantee goes with initial purchase. Send for information, convince yourself this is an unusual business and opportunity. A business for Men and women alike. No super salt investment. We furnish everything — display stands, advertising, etc. Get the exclusive rights for your locality.

Write at once. Sample and particulars free.

FLUFF.O MFC CO. 
Dept. 1515-G 
ST. LOUIS. MO.

Letter to the Magnesians

All things have an end, every one shall go to their own place, and the cheese will stand alone. 

 This is what fate has in store for you and all your kind.

The infidels will plow your women like bulls.

The physicists will make light of your views, with their large hardon collider. And in the gravity of that situation, your children will be absorbed into the cloud.

Phosphorus

Hennig Brand was a German chemist who discovered phosphorus. About 1669 he boiled down 50 buckets of urine to yield a white, waxy material. He named it phosphorus (“light bearer”) because it glowed in the dark. Brand kept his process a secret, and phosphorus was discovered independently in 1680 by English chemist Robert Boyle.

Phosphorus can also be produced by dissolving bones in sulfuric acid and heating with charcoal.

Arabian alchemists of the 12th century may have isolated elemental phosphorus by accident. The UN Commission on Elemental Objectivity is conducting an inquiry.

Contributions to the elucidations of Philip Marlow

To further his experiments in miscegenation, Xenomanes traps a native female with his transistor radio.

Send me all the information and I’ll get right on the case, or my name’s not Rumpelstiltskin. Which of course it’s not. That leaves you two guesses. Spill the beans if you still got the guts.

Okay, here’s the beans once and forever. Even during limbo Solomon had more wives than one. One was my darling Clementine, who’s now gone forever. A casualty in the war of the Beans and the Franks over some Frankenstein pewter.

Poor white trash

Publicity photo of Suwanee courtesy of the United Arab Republicans

We will take this break in the action while the fleet lies in the doldrums to introduce some lesser members of the crew.

Suwanei Rivers started his life in a shed behind the adult movie studio in Montezuma, Colorado. Soon he was performing with feets of levitation that no one could endure. He built an orrery when he was 11 but nobody knew what it was. He sold out to Amazon for a billion dollars of undiluted stock and was thus able to pursue his enemies and pamper his friends.

He cashed in his gene bank and started again as a developing artist. This time around the levitation was taken more seriously. He made a handsome living at it until he was caught looking at girly pictures in the tidal flats of the Bay of Fundy. After spending 15 seasons at the South Pole for reasons that remain confidential he was seconded to the expedition, as I have directly from Panurge.