Letter of Marque

Mort de Harris

A letter of marque and reprisal (French: lettre de marque; lettre de course) was a government license in the age of sail that authorized a private person, known as a privateer or corsair, to attack and capture vessels of a nation at war with the issuer.

Grotius’s 1604 work on international law, De Iure Praedae (Of The Law of Prize and Booty), was an advocate’s brief defending Dutch raids on Spanish and Portuguese shipping in Singapore.

Hugo Grotius  (1583 – 1645), also known as Huig de Groot or Hugo de Groot, was a Dutch jurist. He was imprisoned for his involvement in the intra-Calvinist disputes of the Dutch Republic, but escaped hidden in a chest of books shouldered by a dark-eyed houri.

Keep your eyes peeled for the assassins.

Xenomanes’ Chump

Zippy the chimp.


In 1913, notes, sketches, and photographs recorded by captain Beauregard Xenomanes during the tenure of his letter of marque from our beloved king Pantagruel were discovered in East Prussia. Xenomanes had served honourably as left lieutenant, asleep at the helm, on the voyage to the bottle.

According to the notes, Xenomanes was captain and navigator on the search for Upper Gondwanaland. He was accompanied by Panurge, an esteemed confidant of Pantagruel, though of common ancestry. Panurge’s genetic files had been leaked to the press in a textbook example of yellow journalism. A random sample  would prove his undoing. To keep him out of the picture, he was seconded to the expedition as jack of all trades.

As the fleet departed, Panurge was asked by a stringer for Evening News for his impressions on the recent royal funeral. He replied, “Fuckingham Phallus and Princesse Fill-up-Arena played lift her leg and poker until the hindmost was bedevilled.”

Xenomanes himself was not quite himself at that time.


Entonnoir du Cul

Entonnoir du Cul was also known as La Babouche, according to Erotica Verba, page 456. What else do we know about him? Precious little, except through the relations of his women, who were big in his life.

Both the one he met at the afterparty for Norman Mailer’s Sodden in Kenora, and the one who played the Queen of Sheba’s lady-in-waiting for Andy Warhol, they couldn’t either of them say enough good about the good old boy, particularly in his primary role as a mammal. But, as you know, every animal has its failings. Plants do too. Please contact your system administrator if you cannot understand this sentence. And the executor of your will.

Reverse Pedigree

She was borne with both the breasts of her mothers and the four worts of her fodders. They all looked in a the family bible for a trace of her brooders, yet in vein. Even in the beginning, well within hearing of the indian love call, she was chaste as the praying mantis in a hand of rummy.

Nuclear missile launch officers implicated in cheating scandal

The allegations come after some of the officers texted each other the answers to a monthly test gauging their understanding of how nuclear missiles are operated. “There was cheating that took place with respect to this particular test. Some officers did it. Others apparently knew about it, and it appears that they did nothing, or at least not enough, to stop it or to report it,” Air Force Secretary Deborah Lee James said at a news conference. The cheating was found during an investigation into drug use involving 11 missile launching sites, including a never before revealed site in Disney World.

Carvalho’s harem

At Brunei, on the northwest coast of Borneo, the explorers were engaged in a lively trade with the townspeople when the lookouts were horrified to see the harbor filling with an armada of dugout canoes. It was the local rajah’s fleet returning from a foray against another potentate, and no harm was meant. But the jittery Juan Carvalho believed an attack was imminent and decided to strike first. Abandoning five men who were trading ashore, he captured a large junk and took everyone hostage, including three women. He then entered into some desultory negotiations with the rajah. When those were stalemated, he sailed away with his captives, leaving the men ashore to the fates. Carvalho further disenchanted his crew by ransoming the male captives for gold he kept himself, and retaining the women as a private harem.